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Why does it seem like kids argue more often during the summer? Because it\u2019s probably true. \u201cThe amount that kids get on each other\u2019s nerves depends on the amount of contact they have,\u201d says registered clinical psychologist Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D., who has worked with children, adults, and families for more than 35 years. During the school year, kids are only together in late afternoon, evening, and on weekends. With after-school activities, homework, and weekend play dates, there is even less time for them to interact. \u201cIn summer, if kids are hanging around the house and they\u2019re bored, they\u2019ll find that torturing each other is an amazing pastime,\u201d jokes Dr. Phelan, who is author of the best-selling book 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2 \u2013 12<\/a><\/em>, which has sold more than 1.8 million copies in 22 languages.<\/p>\n Knowing you\u2019re not alone in this parenting predicament helps a little \u2026 but only a little. When you\u2019re tired and frazzled, you don\u2019t want to listen to your kids\u2019 disputes. That\u2019s why we asked Dr. Phelan for his recommendations on dealing with this age-old issue. His insights may surprise you — and make you feel better about the state of your household. The first tips will give you some reassurance about this common sibling experience, and the latter ones will help you bust up and even prevent some of those squabbles.<\/p>\n According to Dr. Phelan, the first step to managing sibling rivalry is to change how we think about it in the first place. Lots of parents worry that there\u2019s something wrong with their kids because their behavior toward each other can seem idiotic, childish, and senseless. In reality, he says, it\u2019s completely normal for siblings to quarrel. \u201cIt is basically ingrained — evolutionary,\u201d he says. Sibling rivalry is actually a manifestation of basic competitive instincts like those that enable animals to survive in the wild. Baby birds, he says, will actually try to flip their siblings out of the nest.<\/p>\n \u201cSiblings are in natural competition for resources that include food and shelter and, with humans, parental attention,\u201d he says. \u201cDon\u2019t expect your kids to have a glowing, warm relationship all the time. It\u2019s not in their makeup.\u201d<\/p>\n Sibling rivalry does not mean your kids are mentally ill either, adds Dr. Phelan. \u201cAnd it does not mean you did anything wrong as a parent. It\u2019s a horrible burden on parents to think that sibling rivalry is your fault. Parents have to accept that sibling rivalry is chronic and aggravating but totally normal.\u201d<\/p>\n Most of us behave worse at home than we do outside the house, says Dr. Phelan. Home is where we\u2019re most comfortable and, deep down, we know our family will love us even if we\u2019re cranky sometimes. Beyond that, people show their absolute worst behavior when interacting with siblings, he says. So when siblings are at home together, it\u2019s natural for battles to ensue at least once in a while.<\/p>\n The good news is that most siblings also have wonderful times together. \u201cThe way of thinking about it is \u2018best of friends, best of enemies,\u2019\u201d says Dr. Phelan. \u201cThey will fight half the time and be wonderful playmates half the time.\u201d Try to remember the good times when you see your kids gearing up for another showdown.<\/p>\n Just because tiffs are normal doesn\u2019t mean they can\u2019t turn ugly. If a child is being physically hurt or if there is emotional abuse occurring, it\u2019s time to seek professional help. One of the signs that there is emotional abuse: when one child is always the aggressor and the other is always the victim. Oftentimes, says Dr. Phelan, a younger sibling will idolize an older one, but the older one despises the younger. \u201cSome studies are indicating that this kind of abuse can take a big whack at self-esteem,\u201d says Dr. Phelan.<\/p>\n What to do? Don\u2019t tell the older child that they have to like their siblings; people have a right to their own feelings. Dr. Phelan says this demand is unrealistic, though understandable. We parents feel deep love for each child and want them to feel the same way toward each other. But you can\u2019t dictate who someone likes or loves. What you CAN dictate is how your kids treat each other. \u201cYou can tell the older child, \u2018You don\u2019t have to like them, but you do have to treat them with respect. You cannot be verbally or physically abusive,\u2019\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Here are a few of the rules from Dr. Phelan\u2019s book 1-2-3 Magic<\/em>:<\/p>\n \u201cFamily fun is a constant dream of parents, especially moms,\u201d says Dr. Phelan. But in reality, he explains, the \u201cdivide and conquer\u201d approach\u00a0works better. What this means is dividing the kids up and doing things separately with them — one parent with one child. \u201cKids cherish alone-time with a parent,\u201d he says. \u201cYou can just see them blossom when they have you all to themselves. And the second thing is there is no chance for sibling rivalry when you\u2019ve divided them up.\u201d<\/p>\n How does this work in real life? Instead of going out to eat as a family, Dr. Phelan suggests having each parent take one child to dinner separately. You can go to different venues or just sit across the room from each other in the same eatery. Do the same one-child\/one-parent routine when standing in line for rides at an amusement park or when going to a movie (selecting different rides and sitting in different rows).<\/p>\n You can also split up the family for vacations. Dr. Phelan used to take his son on vacation and his wife would take their daughter, and then vice versa. \u201cWe\u2019d stay in a motel room and goof off,\u201d he says. These getaways created fond memories for all involved, and there\u2019s no sibling rivalry when siblings are miles apart!<\/p>\n Dr. Phelan does acknowledge that the more kids you have, the more difficult one-on-one fun becomes, but it\u2019s worth trying to plan for it. You\u2019ll deepen your connections with each child in addition to limiting the time that they can be bothering each other.<\/p>\n One more note: Dividing-and-conquering with the kids doesn\u2019t mean that you should always be separate from your spouse. Make sure to schedule date nights, too. Dr. Phelan reminds us that dating was a time when you and your spouse\u00a0got together and had fun<\/em>. When you\u2019re married, however, challenges of everyday life can take precedence, and you could stop seeing each other in the same enjoyable light. Date nights (or lunches\u00a0or getaways) ensure that you retain\u00a0some of that original spark, camaraderie, and fun.<\/p>\n Some things can aggravate sibling rivalry, while others can reduce its occurrence, says Dr. Phelan.<\/p>\n \u201cThe worst thing to do is to rely on having a spontaneous discussion of what you\u2019re going to do in the next hour,\u201d says Dr. Phelan. If you\u2019re planning\u00a0a family vacation or activity, Dr. Phelan recommends sitting everyone down together to discuss it well in advance. Talk about what you\u2019ll be doing and answer any questions they have. Kids should also tell you what they\u2019d like to do (or not). This way, people won\u2019t have different expectations, and everyone is likely to have something they look forward to.<\/p>\n Dr. Phelan notes that most kids will balk about taking part in a \u201cmeeting,\u201d but once they start participating and realize they have a voice, they really become involved. If you\u2019re not sure how to run a meeting smoothly, follow Robert\u2019s Rules of Order<\/a>. This strategy, used in parliamentary procedure, explains how to ensure that everyone is heard and that the discussion remains positive and productive. \u201cYou can even have a family meeting to talk about sibling rivalry,\u201d adds Dr. Phelan.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you have kids who are the best of friends sometimes and the best of enemies other times, that best-of-enemies part starts dissolving,\u201d Dr. Phelan assures us. \u201cThat will warm your heart. But you\u2019ll have to wait to have your heart warmed till they leave home.\u201d As a father of two kids who have \u201cgrown and flown,\u201d he knows this to be true.<\/p>\n Kids getting on each other\u2019s nerves … and yours? Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D., a registered clinical psychologist, shares insights that can help restore peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4892,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"templates\/template-cover.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[214,219],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4891","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-active-healthy-kids","category-tips-for-moms"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4891","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4891"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4891\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9485,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4891\/revisions\/9485"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4892"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4891"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4891"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.activityhero.com/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4891"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Need a break from the battles? See summer camps near you >><\/a><\/h4>\n
Truth: Sibling Rivalry Is Normal<\/h2>\n
Truth: Siblings Are Best of Friends, Best of Enemies<\/h2>\n
Truth: Sibling Rivalry Can Turn Abusive (But It Doesn\u2019t Have To)<\/h2>\n
Truth: Parents Don\u2019t Have to Stop Every Squabble<\/h2>\n
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Truth: Family Fun Is Overrated<\/h2>\n
Truth: You Can Limit Sibling Rivalry<\/h2>\n
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Truth: Family Meetings Can Help Activities Go More Smoothly<\/h2>\n
Truth: Sibling Rivalry Diminishes Eventually<\/h2>\n
See a list of camps near you >><\/a><\/h4>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"